Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid

   I feel confidence they're going to be able to hammer out a stimulus deal by Christmas.....of 2021

   "Walking In a Wonderland" is a great Christmas song for Southerners to keep in mind since they don't know how to drive in it.

   Everyone freaking about how 2021 sounds like 2020 won. . . Well 2022 is gonna sound like 2020 too.

   Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for a lifetime...

   ''It's the end of the world as we know it'' -REM

   Famous deaths occur in threes. First Florence Henderson, and now Fidel Castro. There's a pattern here. The only one I can figure out that's the next has to be the meatball sub from Subway.

   it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה‎?

   I wish I was Santa...he knows where the naught women live

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take JCGJ too..

   I downloaded the Rhonda Rousey fight tonight. It was only 5 megs. Coulda put that on a floppy.

   Official White House response: Donald Trump's in meetings. Journalists with cameras and tourists with iPhones: Donald Trump is definitely golfing.

   If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.

   It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.

   Today, famous author Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame revealed she left her husband for her female best friend. Future plans include a sequel to the best-selling book entitled "Eat, Pray, Scissor."

   BREAKING NEWS From CNN .... This just in ..... Hillary Clinton just won this and the next Presidential debate by a LANDSLIDE!!! Hail Hillary. .... Wait What?

   My popcorn gone stale, my coke is now flat. Waiting for the showing of the pp tapes, what happen to that?

   I called the Coronavirus hotline. I kept getting a recording about soy sauce saying, "Do not refill bottle with other than Kikkoman!"