Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   Well I won the predometer challenge at work !! 70miles I did!!!woo hoo.. Prize??? 1 free Gym membership..ME!? GYM!? lol only machine I use in the Gym is the one selling Mars Bars,Crisps and Twix's !!!

   Those people that make fun of you for flinching are annoying. Of course I try to avoid getting hit in the face.

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   ''It's the end of the world as we know it'' -REM

   Famous deaths occur in threes. First Florence Henderson, and now Fidel Castro. There's a pattern here. The only one I can figure out that's the next has to be the meatball sub from Subway.

   it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה‎?

   I wish I was Santa...he knows where the naught women live

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take JCGJ too..

   I downloaded the Rhonda Rousey fight tonight. It was only 5 megs. Coulda put that on a floppy.

   Official White House response: Donald Trump's in meetings. Journalists with cameras and tourists with iPhones: Donald Trump is definitely golfing.

   My popcorn gone stale, my coke is now flat. Waiting for the showing of the pp tapes, what happen to that?

   I called the Coronavirus hotline. I kept getting a recording about soy sauce saying, "Do not refill bottle with other than Kikkoman!"

   The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.