Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   settingcaptivesfree. com strongly recommend if your addicted to something.

   You know I might not be the best looking but back in the 80's my COMMUNITY voted me 2nd place and $10 in a beauty contest. However shortly after that by CHANCE I went straight to jail and didn't collect $200

   If we all start to talk to people than about people then this world would be a better place.

   i just hate it when I buy a loaf of bread with an odd number of slices. That last slice always seems to get neglected.

   I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.

   Divas are fun and all, but do your best to keep them away from open flame. Their faces are highly susceptible to melting.

   #MANRULE men should NEVER ask "who's is it?"

   i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

   I'm not fat because I want to be.... rather, I think it's my best chance to land a skinny mate.

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   its been so windy lately, I think mother nature ate some bad Taco Bell.

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   Well I won the predometer challenge at work !! 70miles I did!!!woo hoo.. Prize??? 1 free Gym membership..ME!? GYM!? lol only machine I use in the Gym is the one selling Mars Bars,Crisps and Twix's !!!

   Those people that make fun of you for flinching are annoying. Of course I try to avoid getting hit in the face.

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!