Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did Jesus Christ just win 'Best Supporting Actor' at the Academy Awards?

   Completed 19 yrs in this life.,.,., but will always be "18 TILL I DIE"

   Concentration. Precision. Fearlessness. Patience. Four skills all men possess while shaving that I wish we could apply to other aspects of our life, always.

   I am watching a homeless dude outside of a building using his reflection in the window to help him shave.

   A man who never experienced fear has never seen his wife 40 pounds overweight.

   as a male I kinda get offended when a girl asks me to show her my abs ..Thats kinda like me asking a woman to show me her titts.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! but now I'm worried about Banana milk shake...

   Im gonn change my fb name to 'Charlie Sheen dis', that way I can say 'Charlie Sheen dislikes your photo' to everyone

   cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd===

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.

   I want a lady that likes jokes in the streets and chokes in the sheets

   Tonight, and only tonight, I'm rooting for the Red SOX

   M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?.... Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind a-holes texting while they drive.

   Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy. Buh duh tsss.

   2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

   ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

   The temperature went from 90 to 55, like it saw a state trooper.

   Gotta love Amazon wish lists, it's like saying "it's the thought that counts, so long as you only buy me exactly what I want.

   I didn't fight in the Cold War just so we can be friends with Russia!

   whats the difference between a chile mine manager and a priest? one gets his mines stuck in a shaft the other gets his shaft stuck in a miner