Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

   I found a video of my parents having sex on their computer, I was sickened. But not as sickened as when I got a hard-on.

   SWAG= Stupid. Wack . Ass. Gangsta'

   Captain dislike came through and hated all the funny things he cant come up with... some one get the bad news bear some f**kin honey

   thinking.......We should be able to text 911, in case were hiding from a cereal killer and don't want them to hear us. 0.o

   "Explain __ in your own words." Ok, ahdjej ejeodokm eiaian eushna fuueoa,

   How to get laid: Lay on bed. Wait 1 hour. Lay becomes past tense.

   I’m not going to judge you if you don't like football because of whatever moronic reason you think you have in your clueless head.

   Did Jesus Christ just win 'Best Supporting Actor' at the Academy Awards?

   Completed 19 yrs in this life.,.,., but will always be "18 TILL I DIE"

   Concentration. Precision. Fearlessness. Patience. Four skills all men possess while shaving that I wish we could apply to other aspects of our life, always.

   I am watching a homeless dude outside of a building using his reflection in the window to help him shave.

   A man who never experienced fear has never seen his wife 40 pounds overweight.

   as a male I kinda get offended when a girl asks me to show her my abs ..Thats kinda like me asking a woman to show me her titts.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! but now I'm worried about Banana milk shake...

   Im gonn change my fb name to 'Charlie Sheen dis', that way I can say 'Charlie Sheen dislikes your photo' to everyone

   cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd===

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.

   I want a lady that likes jokes in the streets and chokes in the sheets

   Tonight, and only tonight, I'm rooting for the Red SOX