Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Your problem is your incompetence Me: I can hold my pee just fine

   I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

   wishes God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.

   the alpha and omega....

   Why would you want to be reminded of how 9/11 was. That was a horrific day that I would prefer not to be reminded of.

   Elizabeth Taylor dead? I thought she had been dead for years.

   50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

   I never understood why religion would be an excuse not to get vaccinated. I never recall God ever saying "Thou shall not be vaccinated by thy doctors".

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   Girls who say they're in a relationship with Jesus are basically dating a guy they've never met & has been dead for over 2000 years.

   LIKE if your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes then you never do it.

   share love not herpes

   Why does my bf have to lift up his leg everytime he's about to fart!?

   The best reason for being Italian is so that you can braid your girlfriends armpit hair!!!

   I don't think I'll have the confidence in someone closing up our border when that person can't close an umbrella properly.

   a date with 2 Girls from 1 Cup

   stuck in second gear.

   caught the chills while peeing.......thank goodness my wife bought these decorative bath towels

   I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

   Do any of you read? I was reading the Edgar Allen Poe and there is this guy and he is the devil and there is this other guy and the devil says "I am gonna kill you now" and I don't know but it was really good!