Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember those people that made lame jokes like "I miss my wife so I backed up and tried again"? I miss them.

   Childbirth is nothing compared to walking through tall grass with sh!tty a$$ Pokémon.

   Love is free but Loyalty is going to cost you extra.

   Wasn't very creative as a kid. I never had any imaginary friends growing up and neither did any of my friends from planet BeelaBoop.

   If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one. Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

   When it comes to music...Rock...um...uh...ROCKS.

   The best nights ever begin with the question "Are we going to get in trouble for this?"

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

   If you run around a tree doing 87km/h there is a possibility of fu*king yourself

   It is so hot here ( How hot is it ) . It's so hot while I was mowing grass I saw Satan laying under a tree begging for an IV ..

   Wettest June in ages, guess its because of 50 Shades of Grey

   Amy Chavis Why do people write like this? It is really hard. "1 Wr!t3 L!k3 d¡s cu$ I r3a@lLy c@nT $p€ll"

   thinks she needs a better drummer...

   I thought that Google could figure everything out. So I put it to the test. I Googled women. It came back with " Question to complicated " and under the search box. "Exact words & Not feeling so lucky".

   Nobody has new and fresh ideas...whats going on ppl!

   This Country Is That Bad Even The Monopoly Board Is In Resession

   Llamas rule the world! And Petting Zoos!

   Insurance is the only thing we pay for, bit are afraid to use......... Brilliant!!!!

   I think I see a light through the tunnel...hope its my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....