Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember back in the day I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even get up because the caller ID is on my TV...

   J think Head and Shoulders was on the top of Jeffery Dahmers grocery list

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   Somewhere in Africa right now, a honey badger is calmly eating cobras, unaware that last night it jumped the shark.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)

   You know if you add the word t!tty to the end of some of your sentences... It just seem to flow right in.

   I'm not saying this plane is small & rickety but I'm pretty sure the crossword puzzle was filled out by the Big Bopper.

   The best thing about having a head shrinker for a friend is knowing that I'll be getting a little head for Christmas.

   Awww, someone needs a hug! "Touch me and you die."

   Oops, Accidentally bumped into my neighbour's car....... With a baseball bat and a claw hammer.

   For guys who try on women's clothing, if you really thought like a woman you would realize that you are wearing something that just doesn't fit.

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."

   The First rule of Premature Ejaculator's Club is don't talk about..Ooooooh God! Unnnggh! Uh ooooohhhh ...anyone have a cigarette I can have?

   Who the Hell puts Gary is a Moose and thought that ish would be funny? Last time I checked Gary is a pet Snail...... off of SpongeBob!!!

   free food stamps 252-366-4998 and BBW call me now

   Just picked up a Rubiks cube, see ya in a couple years

   Lost your pen = no pen. No pen = no notes. No notes = no study. No study = fail. Fail = no diploma. So NEVER, EVER lose your pen