Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eat sugar Smacks,My piss smells like Sugar Smacks.Yes today will be a good day!

   Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror

   I throw my spanish in the air sometimes sayin ayo, no comprendo

   personal security/ bodyguard is just a paid stalker

   <--- *punches the air like Cuba Gooding*

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   I wear a mouthguard while I sleep. I don't grind my teeth, I just have a lot of enemies.

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...

   If you spend more time looking in his phone then looking in his heart, You should prolly set your ship sailing.

   I remember back in the day I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even get up because the caller ID is on my TV...

   J think Head and Shoulders was on the top of Jeffery Dahmers grocery list

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   Somewhere in Africa right now, a honey badger is calmly eating cobras, unaware that last night it jumped the shark.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)

   You know if you add the word t!tty to the end of some of your sentences... It just seem to flow right in.

   I'm not saying this plane is small & rickety but I'm pretty sure the crossword puzzle was filled out by the Big Bopper.

   The best thing about having a head shrinker for a friend is knowing that I'll be getting a little head for Christmas.