Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito

   It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   Boo hoo! I'm so mad that I can't go out and mindlessly hang around some dive bar watching some crummy cover band butcher my 5 favorite songs from some 80' hair metal hacks!

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?

   Facebook should have a who cares button.

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers

   If you get a tattoo on your face of another person you can pretty much guarantee you and that person is probably homeless

   I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.