Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Who's your wife?(:" "That b!tch over there....."

   23% of households today have a "new" roll of toilette paper sitting on the empty roll.

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   Omg.. Why does Lady Gaga look like a skeleton.. Jesus! Its almost Christmas! B!tch is bout 2 months behind!

   666: Some see it as evil, I see it as 3 six-packs!

   She is bi-sexual. You have to buy her expensive stuff if you want to get sexual with her.

   I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding

   God created the Orgasam so women could whine when they're happy too

   Not to brag but Ive never had a one night stand ...they always come back for more

   Here in London we play football with our feet and we wear helmets when riding bikes

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, I'd like to get high and have a beer with him.

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   If we sacrifice Justine Beiber to Satan, it would bring world peace. . .

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   If there was an earthquake today, Marty McFly wouldn't notice.

   Every man is the master of his own destiny. You are your own god or devil. Your soul belongs to only you.

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I think this is gonna burn. Makes you wonder... can nipples burn from disinfectant?

   MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

   went to pizza hut and there was sign outside .It said "look out for the new Menu"... I walked in and it and it hit me in the back of the head

   I watched Major league last night where Charlie sheen was known for his fast ball. Ironically.....he is now known for his 8-ball