Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   Never ask a gay dude if he is anal, say OCD instead.