Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   The secret to a great relationship...Argue Naked!

   this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better

   Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   Football ~ The legal way to buy a nigggaa.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   reuse, recycle, regift.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. 14 mosquitos likes this

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…