Funny Status Messages
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Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day. 
I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...
No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.
I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.
"Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.
Black Friday is the American version of running with the bulls
Tonight's the night ... You can tell because the sun's gone down!
Shout out to all the women who use their brains to get what they want. Put your pu ssy away Miss, its not a currency.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.
So I Went to pick up my date for homecoming, Her father said make sure she is home and in bed before 11PM, I Said " Don't worry Sir, I'll have her in bed by 830" :D
This is actually Kanye West's second marriage, as he's been divorced from reality for many years now.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.
whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time
I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course.... :/ I've never had to run this fast, so far in all my life!
I'd be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese". 