Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.