Funny Status Messages
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Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE! 
Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it
I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math
Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind
Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"
Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.
Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.
"I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting
;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...
Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.
Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?
There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved. 