Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

   If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.

   When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.