Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send