Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.