MDS Funny Status Messages

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   Good thing it's Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing