Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills

   All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.

   There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.