Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   If you still talk about it, you still care about it.

   Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.

   I think we should celebrate Canada Day be giving Bieber back.

   wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers

   Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....

   Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.

   Been keeping this inside my head for too long. Ladies, sometimes those really thin eye brows, freak us guys out. Please attend to your eye brows responsibly

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.

   If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

   Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day