Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.

   I wonder if Toyota sent BP a Thank You note

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   Okay people, if you are driving a small car, and are not towing a trailer or driving a semi; you have no business coming into the left lane to negotiate a right turn

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   thinks Toyota should change its motto from "Moving Forward" to "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   would like to sublease his FB wall. He's still trying to find a way to make money here.

   it's also Enunciate, not ANnunciate. ;)

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   Every time I try to accelerate in my little Honda there's a voice that says, "Your request for speed has been received, and is very important to us. We are working diligently to provide great customer service. Current wait time is...five...minutes."

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   Needs a weekend for my weekend