Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

   Chewbacca's redneck cousin is Chewstobacco

   The meat at Taco Bell has been dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. So not only are they being festive, but they're also paying tribute to Melania's vag bwahahaha

   Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.

   Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

   The States used to be a respected, powerful nation. Now, you're being laughed at and mocked by the entire world. And the majority of your country. Comedians, talkshow hosts, everyone lol. You're all clown shoes. Weak, stupid and embarrassing.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   When I was a kid, before Facebook, I remember when taking the time out and having to stare at a wall was considered a punishment.

   Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   I’vr never met a closet EV driver

   Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.

   Spilling is the equivalent

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   Pizzas are like dildos.. Just get a large, you'll get it all inside you eventually

   I went and inputted all my medical symptoms in on WEB MD. And it turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Tom Brady's retiring, again.

   You gotta hand it to short people. They're too small to reach it by themselves.

   Anti-VAX moms are just women who regret not aborting their kids.