Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   When your phone dies and you realize you're jealous

   Do you think songbirds get annoyed with hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

   If you're single and ready to mingle after Valentine's day but not really sure where to meet someone, check out the candy clearance isle.

   The reason it's called laSAGna, is because after you eat as much of it as I do, parts of your body being to "sag on ya."

   I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.

   In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want wait in line for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

   I wonder who is keeping Sunny D in business?

   TDS is actually a mental disorder in some states

   We enjoy mocking you. A bunch of lemmings running headlong towards the cliff. The product of your idiot leaders dismantling education by creating a generation of complete and utter imbeciles.

   Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.

   Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

   well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever made.

   What with unwanted pregnancies, social diseases and failed relationships, the Love Boat reboot will be titled the "Tug" Boat.

   Marking myself safe from getting pierced in the heart by the little chubby kid going around with bow and arrow.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids Bloody Mary in a Styrofoam cup with a straw.