Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?

   How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2

   The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover.

   A man drove past my house in a van painted: come to my van for free candy. Everyone thought he was dangerous, but I got my candy eventually.... the memories

   Labor pain: Is when the foreman on the job sight is watching you work.

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   By def: ALL 'culture' is stereotype. Ok maybe the old cultures are monotype, WTH?

   I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .

   everything that glitters is not gold and every wing isnt chicken

   making up for low grades with high calories

   If I want to give someone a bottle of Scope for Christmas.....Would that be rude

   I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.

   ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   Everybody! Fast! I need to see your Facebook film! Please share with me!

   I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.

   If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !

   the traditional 15th anniversary gift is crystal, but my wife gave me wood.