Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your first Baby's father doesnt count. that was just checking if you can have kids

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   9 more days till the beginning of the end.

   Do you work on computers , cause your D**k is Micro and soft .

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet. Funny 8 Insightful 0 WTF? 3 GTFO! 1

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   [ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   Super-genius Stephen Hawking has warned we may NOT wanna be sending out signals to contact aliens as they may not be so kindly towards us. It makes me wonder...does world government already KNOW about aliens and the reason we have a huge overabundance of

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   damn wish I didnt take things to literally all the time went to friendly's and the waitress asked if I would like a happy ending

   dropped it like it's hot BUT before it even hit the ground....caught it like a cold...WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   All things being equal, my way is better.

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Hey broncos, puff puff pass time in the second half!..... Meanwhile at the Seahawks side...Sherman-"you know how I get when I get da munchies!

   Time to watch the Puppy Bowl