Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve..

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   The first Monday night game in Detroit in almost 10 years and the Lions aren't even playing in it!"

   I just created ice by putting some water outside for 5 minutes. Take that MacGyver!

   people may not think I'm a big deal here, but in Munchkinland everybody looks up to me and I'm a huge success.

   recommends staying away from Camp Crystal Lake today.

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians' or ‘slow children playing' I can't help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth all night...