Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.

   I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   I HATE the commercials that try to connect their product to a virtue of life, such as "Mayo....because everyone appreciates being with family." I could be with my family without Mayo, thanks

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   You had me at "I don't like you that way."

   My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days. Lmao.....