Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store

   29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts

   When I'm feeling down and someone says "Keep your chin up!" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them "Walk it off!"

   Spring is acting like a deadbeat dad... like are you coming or not.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!

   Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.