Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.

   Just call Weight Watchers frozen meals what they really are, appetizers.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me. After yesterday, the ice cream man can go stuff himself!

   "We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.

   Sometimes to make myself feel better I wrap up my hopes and dreams with bacon.

   Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do

   What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio?

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Surprised Kim didn't snapchat the whole Rob thing....:P

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.