Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is reading his friends' drunken late night what's on their mind posts. Common themes seem to be trying to get laid, "drama" and having "one more" drink.

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   tough crowd..well thats all for today, drive safe, I'll be here all week

   Destroying all of this evidence would go a lot faster if I could shoot lasers from my eyes!

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair.

   Does complaining count as protesting? Cause if so, I'm now a two-time winner of this Time Person of the Year thing.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them.

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   This photo booth is always out of toilet paper.