Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's probably the best time to do it.

   My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...

   Don't run your mouth like its on Broadband, when your brains working on Dial up.

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a drinking passion.

   Dating Rule #7: When on a first date a gentleman always lets his lady have the Burger King crown...Cuz it will make her feel special....

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.

   Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)

   We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

   WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............

   whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   It gives Denver the "mile high" city a whole different meaning now! Haha

   If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.

   I already hate next year.