Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   Until I get a good woman, I have beer. Then after I get a good woman I will have her and beer.

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

   "Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.

   People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.

   I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches

   Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved.

   Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..

   Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.

   Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.

   The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Caution: underestimate me at your own risk!

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   "Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.