Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   "This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo