Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.

   ♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"

   Gentlemen Never forget that a girl is your friend only until she finds a boyfriend.

   You never have to wonder if someone loves you or not; their actions will speak loud and clear. If you're still wondering, they don't.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   If You need me, I'll call You.

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.

   You'd think that after a while, Scooby and Shaggy would stop being such pu$sies when they see a ghost or something. They should know it's just someone in a costume.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish