Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot

   For a long time dogs were a mans best friend. Then porn took over.

   What I do, I do very well, and what I don't do well, I don't do at all.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   Funny how intolerant all these tolerant people are...

   Fighting online is so stupid .... I mean .... What are you gonna do? ..... Busta CAPS LOCK on me?

   Hey gurl, are you a public school? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of little kids inside you.

   Sorry guys, no New Years party this year. Last year I got arrested for punching a guy in the face. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

   wishes the Live Feed and News Feed would make up and get back together.

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   They're gearing us up for a race war. Don't play into it, Americans....

   VOTE FOR PEDRO

   Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

   used to sing like Justin Bieber...then I turned 4!!