Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please hurry up with your story.. That I care absolutely nothing about... I'm afraid if I keep this fake smile on my face any longer, its guna get stuck this way.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Rocky Balboa

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   Just shot three vampires and a zombie. You're welcome.

   Your story doesn't add up, so feel free to stop lying.

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."

   What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.

   "I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.

   You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.