Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's My late night and I Forgot to bring my lunch and dinner to work with me. My "things I would do for a Klondike bar" list, is rapidly starting to grow!

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the BIOTCH up with cookies.

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Happy birthday Dora the explorer now we can get you a GPS

   Most folks are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make damn sure the old year leaves.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.

   thinks I just stepped in a bouquet of oopsei dasies.

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

   says "The early bird gets the worm, but the night owl gets the tequila!!"

   wants to find a woman but then has a beer and a nap and it makes everything right again

   There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.