Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.

   I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.

   Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.

   Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

   Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.