Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things

   Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   If men Honestly answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would turn into a pornsite

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there