Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was described as a great dad by my son, further proof that children have horrible judgement.

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...

   Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   If you're not sweating, you're not doing it right

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.

   When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.