Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.

   ... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing

   Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?