Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   She just needs a shot of vitamin D.

   Michael Moore joined a protest against Trump colluding with Russians, and now we know the protest was organized by Russians

   Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.

   .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   It takes a brave man to admit he's wrong. It takes a braver man to not delete the original comment.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention' as their Facebook status.

   The more I get to know other people, the less I hate myself.

   You are my GOOGLE. You have everything I am searching for.

   Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

   If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

   I've learned sooo much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I've been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.