Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.

   Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!

   been so depressed thinking about the economy I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

   i still think womens clothes look best on the floor.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders

   reading another chapter of How to Make Balloon Animals for Dummies - So far I can make a snake...

   thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   moron.....hahaha.....nobody thinks you're funny

   Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense