Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.

   Polls are good for three things, skiing, fishing and strippers.

   Stop saying you're moving out of the country. You can't even move out of your parents house so you're not going anywhere. Shut up already.

   If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes

   Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.