Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.

   I'd love to watch Samuel L Jackson and Morgan Freeman get into a heated argument while James Earl Jones tries to stop them.

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.