Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!

   Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.

   Why don't people start protesting funerals of members of the Westboro Baptist Church?

   I remember the days when we actually used our phones to talk to each other.

   The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.

   Sad Fact Of Life #208- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.

   Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. …

   Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.

   Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.

   I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.

   a once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you just lied will become less important.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

   it just me or does the friend finder on facebook seem alittle sketchy!

   The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.

   Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know?

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.