Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop saying you just can't help cheating. Cheating is not a disease, it is a choice dammit.

   I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day.

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   If I ever post a joke that you don't like take comfort in the fact that I was clearly for one moment hacked

   I give $50 a week to Jesus.........my lawn guy.

   If at first you don't succeed, it's probably because you're a failure.

   I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

   Not sure why I'm not famous yet...America loves a good train wreck.

   Tell her you'd die without her. Woman love to think you'd die without them.

   The key to a happy relationship is to never let the sex get boring. That's why I always finish in two minutes or less.

   Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your ass.

   Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.

   Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper.

   Huma Abedin - because having to whip out an ID or debit card with "Huma Weiner" on it and expecting people to suppress the involuntary giggles is just too much.

   Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him