Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tequila and my phone formed an alliance to show my ex that I will never really be over her.

   This recliner and I go WAY back!

   I really just want Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?

   [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]

   GO HEAT! I don't mean the basketball team, I mean the temperature. It's so #&@^$#% hot out, I wish it would just go.

   I'm of the impression that women have mood swings... Some women on other hand have Mood Theme Parks and they carry their baggage with them the entire way!

   Remember. Guns aren't illegal. We just want you to prove you're not a psychopath before you buy it.

   one thing the I learn from the The Fast and the Furious movies is there is not enough cops in L.A, Miami, Tokyo and Brazil and there is no fat girls Either 

   Why does Rick Ross rap about cars he can't fit into

   we have some potentially severe weather headed our way this evening. please make sure you have your emergency kit: alcohol, lube, porn, blow up girlfriend, pain pills, heroin and a football helmet. Stay safe my friends!

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.

   I just liked "like if you hate cancer" so I'm pretty sure it'll be cured by tomorrow.

   How come everything with mexican origins is devastating....el nino...derecho winds.....taco bell.

   Thanks to Facebook, everything that used to take a few seconds at work now takes me 4.5 days.

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Hopefully because of social networking, I've tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*