Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

   "Oh, scientific method!" ~ things atheists cry out during sex

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.

   So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?

   My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.

   've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days

   When I come to that fork in the road, I use it to eat my cake.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   It's socially acceptable to live in somebody else's basement, but weird if you live in your own.

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   I'm not naive enough to count out the Miami Cheat...but I loved every second of that game last night. Especially the look of utter disgust on Eric Spoesltra's face near the end of the game.

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   I switched to Herbal Essence shampoo and sadly discovered that I do not have a G-Spot on top of my head like those women in the commercial.

   I don't cuddle,,,,,,,but I'll hold you tight while I'm F*cking You!!

   Im using internet explorer so I hope this isnt too late. Happy new year 2009

   Single guys; your married friends will buy your lunch just to hear sex stories. Do like I do and just make them up…

   The early bird needs a punch in the throat.