Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never understand why women are okay with being called pumpkin.

   Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.

   meanwhile in Justin Biebers anal cavity. ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　　　~•　　　　~†¢ã€€ã€€ã€€~•　　　　　　~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ã

   Call Kenny Loggins because we are in the Danger Zone!!!

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   I wish weekends went by like microwave minutes

   Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money

   A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   █████████████████████ Take that prism!