Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   My new pick-up line: "I have a full tank of gas!"

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her a...mediately!!!

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.

   Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.

   feels sorry every summer for anyone named Eve.

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   Loyal women will love you while you're broke; a ho will love you till you're broke

   So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.

   (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin. They hatin!

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   If Michael Douglas ever gets rectal cancer we're in for one hell of a story.