Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…well, I got kicked out for that one.

   Paris Jackson attempts suicide... Didn't see that one coming.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   Sometimes all you need to brighten up your day is to sit down and read the thoughts of a couple thousand strangers.

   When life gives you LIMES rearrange the letters until they say SMILE.

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.

   The clerk at the gas station doesn't ever speak a word to me. He's currently my favorite person.

   I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   Florida is for the newly weds and nearly dead

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   Thesaurus .cōm is down which is inconvenient and also inconvenient.

   I don't care what people say, Little Bunny Foo Foo was a bully to field mice!!!

   Please stop inviting me to play CANDY CRUSH I'm type 2 Diabetic & I'm watching my sugar!!!

   How much will the $590 million Powerball winner pay in taxes? The IRS says they won't know until they learn if she's a Republican or a Democrat.

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   so powerful that a single one of my pubic hairs could shut down an entire restaraunt for a week!

   A good way to build strength is to practice with heavy gauge air strings on your air guitar.